I woke to find you standing in the kitchen making breakfast. You saw me and a wave of excitement swept over your face as you rushed over to me, putting your hands on my shoulders as you guided me to the kitchen table.
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...
Are you really here?
I made breakfast.
You’re here.
I’m here. I’ve always been here.
It’s been really hard. I’ve found it really hard.
I know.
You put your hand on my face.
Why did you leave, why is it still painful now you’re here? Will it go away?
Don’t ask too many questions, that’s where you are going wrong. Not everything has to have an answer, things happen and life changes, you have to just understand that and accept that. You have the ability to change minor details, but the big things just happen. You need to let go a bit, stop trying to control everything. Stop trying to control the uncontrollable.
I don’t want to let you go again.
You don’t have to.
Good.
Your breakfast is getting cold.
It hurt, it really hurt and people didn’t understand. They couldn’t comprehend the magnitude of how heavy my heart was. After a while the rawness of it dulls, and then you’re expected to just get on with it. You have a certain amount of time to grieve and that time correlates to who has gone. But it was different with you. You weren’t just anyone. You were you. I felt alone. And then as time went by and the faces in my life changed you were getting lost in my mind, hidden amongst the new people and challenges I was facing. And people couldn’t relate to what I was saying when I mentioned you. It made them uncomfortable and that made me resentful. I hated having to repress you for the sake of social convenience. I wanted to shout from the rooftops that you were once here and I knew you and that I’m not the same person since you went away.
But when you got upset I was there, you could see me.
I could.
Everything isn’t for us to understand. If you could understand everything there would be no point in all this.
I love you.
I love you.
Then we eat our breakfast. Life had frozen and I was me again.
